i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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