I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
