when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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