I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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