my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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