you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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