Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
