If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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