im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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