I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
