If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm passing your future prison.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
