I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
