What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
