apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize