I will die if light touches me.
there's paper in my vomit.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
