Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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