he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
