I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
