Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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