I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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