That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
