Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
