wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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