like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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