I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You're like the curious george of whores
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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