Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
