Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
