I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
