Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
