i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
