i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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