I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
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