Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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