I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
