On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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