Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
