There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
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