Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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