well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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