We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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