I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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