you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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