apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
