He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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