i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
