my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
