how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
