so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
