i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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