I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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