it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize