you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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