Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
