EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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