we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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