the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
