Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We are all done wearing pants today
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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