I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
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