where does the pee come out of this thing
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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