Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize