Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
