ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
