Im at strip club and am horny
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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