so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
