I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
